What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 03:41
I don,t even have a pension.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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Who then, do I blame.?
I think the readers, may guess!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
What was it like being spanked as a kid?
Put me off passion for life!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
How is it not psychopathic to use someone for sex, even if they agree?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was 9 years of age.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One cannot live in the past .
I write beautiful poetry .
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As i do to all so called friends.?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I have no regrets .
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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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And i lived it daily.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He knew the spot.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So, i spoilt her more .
I was seconnd youngest,
She loved him until the end.
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was scared of men, in general
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I will be 64.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We all went to grammer schools
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But, we were locked up after school.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She married twice! .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But ive been too sick for many years..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I said to her
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was very sick at this time too.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My family never makes their pension either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was in good health!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were not on the streets..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
What did i know ?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Ive learnt so much.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Would this be the day?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So whats the point in blame.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im still living with it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Especially a lifetime of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Was to survive, this bastard.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Comes on , in middle age.
She wouldn,t have been !
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It was going to be , some day.
My life is so biszare .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is soul school!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But it wasn’t much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I waited trembling.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She found it foreign!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.